As a devotee, I feel that I should have outgrown certain things and that I am right back where I started before I joined. Am I just some middle aged poseur trying to regain her lost youth or am I approaching some sort of personal growth?
When we first take up spiritual life, we give up much of our former life because it was mundane and thus an impediment to your spiritual growth. We take on a new life. Later, when we are more mature and fixed in our spiritual identity, in a sense we have the luxury of revisiting our past and more intelligently, more maturely, more wisely seeing what was good and what was bad in our past, and with full consciousness, choosing Krishna above everything. We also evaluate our past in terms of whether or not it can bear a favorable relation to Krishna.
Krishna often gives devotees this opportunity to not only reject our old life in the enthusiasm of our discovery of Krishna, but also later in life to take another look, so that our renunciation is fully conscious. We may also see elements in our past that have some use in Krishna’s service.