To what degree should we try to follow the gender roles of husband and wife as described in the Vedas?
I would first advise you not to subordinate nature to ideology. By that I mean the traditional teachings about male and female roles can serve as guidelines, helpful reminders, etc. But, ultimately, a relationship depends upon two people, whatever their official role, accurately understanding and sincerely respecting each other’s nature and needs and trying to help the other person on their path back to Krishna.
So if you sincerely try to respect and help the other person in a way that is natural and healthy for you, then as they say, “water seeks its own level.” A relationship between two good and responsible people will work itself out. I would focus more on intelligently understanding the other person and being Krishna conscious rather than role-playing.